By the time Erica McNeal was thirty-two years old, she was already a three-time cancer survivor, and had experienced the loss of five children. We became friends last year, and I have watched as her message of hope in the midst of grief has touched the lives of thousands of people.
Erica has chosen to say, “Why not me?” and uses her cancer and child-loss to equip men and women to learn how to effectively love people who grieve. She believes that God can use even our most painful experiences to build rapport and relationships with others in order to share His incredible love.
I love Good Grief! because it is so ridiculously practical. It is a resource guide filled with tangible solutions of how to love people well through difficult times. If you or someone you love is experiencing pain or loss, please read this book. I promise it will help you. (See the end of this post for a chance to win a free copy.)
I recently interviewed Erica about her new book, and the topic of grief:
ERICA: I would literally tell people who asked that question: “Why not me? What makes me immune to cancer or child-loss?” Often times, the other person would think for a moment, nod their head, and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It still stinks though!” I never said it didn’t stink! However, it came down to recognizing that while God had all the power in the world to stop the suffering of Jesus, He chose not to. He allowed the suffering to happen! Therefore, I don’t expect I should be any different. This gives me the freedom to say, “Okay God, I know this doesn’t surprise You – let’s do this!”
ERICA: Great question. When tragedy strikes, very few people know what to say, yet still feel compelled to say something! This is often when we stick our foot in our mouths, succumb to a Christian cliche, or an empty platitude. We tell people to get over “it”, instead of helping people move forward by talking through “it”. We take Bible verses out of context in hopes of encouraging our loved ones; yet, unfortunately, often times we leave them feeling discouraged. And, sometimes when we don’t know what to do or say, many times, we do nothing. This inaction can be very painful because it makes the hurting person believe we don’t care, often times, the exact opposite of what we are feeling. Finding ways to prevent unintended hurt is the heart of Good Grief!; by giving people suggestions of words to say and actions to help.
ERICA: If I had to boil down just one piece of advice, I would say, “Remain consistent and loving!” Being consistent takes a great deal of investment. We need to create consistent conversations that include action on our part, and make it easy for our loved ones to say yes! For instance, “I’m making a double batch of our dinner tonight and would like to bring one over for your family to eat over the next couple of days. What time can I swing by to drop it off?” One week later, we say, “I’m taking our kids to the zoo tomorrow. Can I pick yours up on the way to give you a day to yourself?” These are actions that build up trust, and open up doors for people to talk about what they are feeling, because you are showing you care. Personally, I write notes on my calendar to make contact and offer to do something tangible once a week for the first four weeks after tragedy strikes; and then taper off, while remembering days that are important to the family.
ERICA: We are often told to take our thoughts captive, but rarely do we know what that means or how to do it. I began “breaking it down” when I was first diagnosed with cancer at 22 years old; when every possible overwhelming thought had the potential of causing my life to downward spiral. This process worked so well, I continue this exercise today. I learned that if you do not replace a negative thought with a positive thought, you may be taking your thoughts captive, but they are simply rotting in the jail cell of your brain; waiting for a jail break. Therefore, I replace my negative thoughts, anxiety, and stress, through Phil 4:8. I put my challenging thoughts in jail, change my perspective of my circumstances, and then release the prisoner. For instance, when I am struggling with accepting the lies of Satan, I will ask myself, “What is true about this situation?” – and then I will write down everything that is “true”. I will go on, “What is right about these circumstances?” – and again, I write down what is “right”. I continue to go through the entire verse and then, I think of these things!
ERICA: You are not alone!